This past year has been unbelievably challenging for me. I feel amazingly displaced swirling in a spiraling vortex to an end I have no control over. It is as though everything that has happened in my life up until this very moment finally weighed me down like an anvil on my shoulders. Life happened to me.
Every word that has ever been spoken. The things that have happened in my life. The events of the past. All of the big fights. The enormousness of it all. It is suffocating.
Each day it has been harder and harder to get up. I struggle to get through the day once I get up. I can't wait to go to sleep, but can't sleep once I get there. My brain will not shut down or power off.
Today I stood in front of a doctor who told me I was fat. Thank you. I have a mirror at home, put my clothes on every day and take a shower naked. I know what I look like. Chalk it up to cancer -- that big fat fucking "c" word that stole my life, buried my soul and then served it all back to me in a broken body. Fat body.
In my life I've heard so many times -- rise above this. What is interesting about the people that say that is those are the people who have never had anything go wrong in their lives. Those are the people from Norman Rockwell paintings with perfect teeth. Well my teeth are not perfect. I've been through the wringer. I've lived at least ten lives in the past 46 years and the start of this year ain't anything to write home about.
It's not a money thing. I have money in the bank. A fair amount of it actually. I'm debt free, yet surrounded by emptiness and the back end of a Toyota 4Runner. I've been here before, but this time is definitely different. The emptiness is dark without color. And hollow.
